Yeah welcome back to this old thing ig. At least I can preserve some sense of stream-of-consciousness whilst I edit the page for this entry. It's currently around 6-7pm GMT, I'm sat in my girlfriend's room, and I've basically got a whole lot of nothing new going into this next year. Except for motivation? I feel compelled to turn this year into the most successful one yet. That's why I'm back on here. That's why I have a full diary/calendar on my phone. And it's also why I feel so much better heading into this year (in addition to the lack of hangovers this new year's morning!)
The girlfriend (endearing way of naming her here, I know) wants to donate blood at some point before I go home. I'd like to do that too. Of course I've never done it before, so I really don't know how I'll handle it. I've never been difficult around needles, hell I can watch them go in, regardless of if it's IM or IV or something inbetween. It's more the length of time and general discomfort. Though, I assume there'll be ways to pass the time. We might go to the cinema too.
Do I want to add an entry like this every day? Maybe. I'll see how I feel through this first month. My only worry is I'll lose interest again if I stop, though if I continue working on other aspects of the site that shouldn't happen. I still need to create a look for the site, not just barebones HTML. More important though is catching up with my essays, studying for the TEFL qualification if I don't want us to be 5000 miles away, and generally navigating turning 21 soon. I still am an absolute low ranker when it comes to socialising. Hopefully if I let myself go a bit I can feel more comfortable. I went to therapy for a while at the end of '24, and though I never felt comfortable enough with my therapist to really delve into my personal shit, she did majorly help me begin to understand my emotions and try to navigate autism better.
Anyways, I'm gonna leave this here. Nothing major has been going on today, and nothing really important to talk about on a personal yet public diary that isn't already baked into this site. We're gonna start home cooking a shit ton more this year to both save money and get healthier (along with improving my fitness generally!) Wish me luck. Might add to my ramblings later on.
We're back for day two. It's 11pm already but I wanted to not fail at being consistent only two days into the year. Bought the Map Men book in London today, and I also kept working on my Biblical and Quranic Studies library wishlist. I'm gonna be a fucking nightmare when I'm older.
I think part of my problem is that I have just too many pushes and pulls on myself. Self-improvement requires some measure of (at least temporary) distance from your loved ones, which I fear a fuck ton. Furthermore, doing literally anything requires collapsing the waveform of future possibilities into one completed, past action; one I can never not ponder over if it was the right action to take or not. In that sense, trying to make small amounts of time for everything major in my life is helpful.
Anyways, today was calm. We ate a fire homemade bibimbap, so I'm anticipating working in Korea more now that I know I enjoy the food. I also got rec'd an insanely good Chinese takeaway in Cambridge (amidst the myriad others in possibly Britain's most Chinese city). I hope to really expand my food palette this year and be a fuck ton more in tune with other cultures this year. My introversion gets in the way of me making friends locally, let alone globally, and I resent it being so overwhelming that I spend too much time in my own space.
We'll get there, though. With practice, consistency, carefulness, and constant, steady improvement. See you all again tomorrow.
Well, it’s another day for the big 2026 project (that is life). Today I was meaning to go out and buy some study books on biblical history, but that fell through, though I did make a list of books I wanted to get, so now I know what I’m looking for. Anyways, We’re going out tonight for dinner and to the cinema for Song Sung Blue, which I wouldn’t normally go for but apparently one of my girlfriend’s friends is in it so I’m excited.
Meanwhile, I have yet to start studying again which is freaking me out. I really don’t know why I’m so determined to make up for the past few years, because apart from a moment of trauma-induced inaction, I’ve generally done quite well. I guess it’s just an existential panic about falling behind. Hence why I’m freaking out about not having studied yet. I have two essays for the same supervisor being held up by my total inertia.
I’ve gotta get ready to leave, so I’ll keep this short. See you all tomorrow.
We're back. I fortunately didn't get too drunk last night at the club, so it's pleasant to have had a pretty productive day.
After improving my mass attendance somewhat in 2025, I'm hoping to try to go as many Sundays as possible this year. So let's hope it goes well. We already managed one today so that's pleasant at least, and hey - I found a great copy of the Sunday Missal at St John the Evangelist's, so I know now what I want to invest in next.
Meanwhile, with the rest of the day I bought a copy of Cambridge's companion to the Hebrew Bible, which will go well just after my introduction to Biblical Exegesis. I also found some pretty cool theology and leftist/liberationist religion works, though it's still a way away to convince my girlfriend on Islam NOT being a regressive faith. I resent the spread of Christian nationalism so much, even though I am myself a Christian.
Well, other than that we ate pasta and drank more wine ... pray for our collective livers and substance managing parts of our brain. Part of me still regrets going post-edge. Tomorrow I head home, and on Tuesday I properly begin my new routine for the year. I have about a week and a half to catch up on last term's essays, which I honestly think is doable if I devote 5 proper hours of work every day. I just hope I don't lose my mind in the process.
Made it home ... I honestly am not ready to pick up the pace on the routine tomorrow. But then, I don't think anyone ever is. So let's see. We blast through nonetheless.
I'm also coming to the stark realisation that I basically have not actually practiced writing much at all these first five days. It's all been adding these diary entries to an otherwise vacant site. I changed my calendar around so that I do proper website building and updates weekly from the 10th, which gives me not only a larger range of things to talk about, but also gives me the freedom to expand what I write about on evenings before/after reading. I can still update the site if anything major is going on, or if I have any pertinent ramblings, though this diary will probably be regularly weekly from the 10th. But I'd like to try practicing my verse and prose most of all. I had a diary for nearly 4 years; I think I know how to talk honestly through text by now.
Speaking of verse, submissions for Oxbridge's annual Mays comp have opened until mid-March. I am so out of practice with writing but I'm gonna spend January and February bringing myself to a good enough standard through regular practice in order to submit something I'm happy with in March.
In other news, I'm finally getting closer to a restored mental health state with a resupply of meds (after 3 weeks without...) and a reset sleep schedule from tonight. I also get to see some of the guys I'm on committee with on Wednesday. Money isn't great but we're making progress. At the very least I can say I've never been without help and certainly have never been desperate which is majorly appreciated. I could go on about the cost of living but that would force this into political ramblings. I'd rather close out here and try get some sleep soon. I need to start studying again from tomorrow.
Slowly turning myself into a better person? Well it'd be premature to claim so after 6 days but I think I managed to stay fairly on track today, though perhaps could structure my studying time a little better. I honestly feel like the closer I get to freedom from this stupid set of essays the closer I'll be to re-enjoying my studies again. I guess it doesn't help that I find Nietzsche so infuriatingly complex and hard to form a judgement on...
I did inspire myself to create an aphorisms page but it's still a WIP. In other news, I'm desperately looking for ways to dredge up and then harness any creative energy. I should drift through some forgotten corners of the internet like an obscure folk record. The more interesting side of things comes from the fact that I'm not tied to any interpersonal obligations on here. Staying within the bounds of neocities notwithstanding, I can pretty much just do whatever. So I guess I should try to do more. I need to practice the web design though.
We're awakened to enough aspects of living in one short 24 hours that I find it hard to pick out the most interesting ones sometimes, particularly when nothing is especially more interesting than anything else. Perhaps the main thing for me was realising that I can actually just practice the fuck out of things until I do it well enough. I appreciate having the capacity to refine bullshit into something valuable.
I'm losing my mind a little for the first time this year and struggling to stay awake whilst listening to September Song by Pygmy Lush for a sixth time on repeat. I've done less than I wanted to today but I guess I can try to wrap it all up before I sleep. Not much more to say about Nietzsche, I guess I'll try writing the essay tomorrow.
More on my mind right now, I guess a symptom of the elwhy (god-being) aspiration is that I feel an innate desire to get lost in the wilderness. There's something so alluring about disappearing. In the middle of Appalachia. On the Trans-Siberian Railway. Never to be seen again.
Folklore still rages on with more power than ever prior. The river widens with every twist. If you keep walking you might never come back.
I want to keep going. All the way to the mouth of the river. Into the ocean.
In other news I had a couple beers with my committee pals.
Enjoyed the sweetness of doing basically nothing today. Except I didn't enjoy it. Felt guilty for it. Really should've studied.
I guess I have time to do a quick skim of the remainder of Nietzsche before I sleep? I just really need to stop my sleep schedule from drifting any more. It's why I keep waking so late. Who knew discipline would be so hard.
I did at least go out for my haircut today. It looks good, same as it always does. I basically just had it trimmed back. I do wish I did more with my hair but I'm scared of ruining it. I used to try and straighten it out. Now I really wanna dye it.
In the meantime, it's ridiculously cold and wet and gloomy. Perfect weather for playing Pygmylush on repeat and trying to avoid poorly informed idiots give their takes on Marx. At least tomorrow is Friday.
My work ethic for this first proper week has absolutely collapsed after just a couple days. I have basically no motivation to do any studying and I think it's because the content is so unbelievably dense. But I have a short bit of time tonight to try...
It's unbelievably hard to get out of old habits. Especially in the winter, it's insanely hard to wake up, and then my entire schedule is thrown out. I do try to do the most important things, but what usually happens is I end up only doing the small things.
I don't know what more to say. Tomorrow is the weekend. I was gonna scale back the diary entries and try working on this more constructively, but I still have studying to do before that. Honestly I don't really know.
Hitting a massive brick wall. I can't relax anymore and yet I can't bring myself to do anything. Is the new year really disappointing so soon? I'm hoping it's just an early bump in the road but I'm scared I've no momentum to keep going already ... It's hard enough without going to see Hamnet which, though historically very loose, was fucking devestating. I feel existential today. To the point I can't really be arsed to fill this in. I'll be back next week.