Yeah it's been a few weeks since I updated this. I honestly don't even mind at all because this first month has hit me hard. On the one hand, I'm far less anxious about life and my relationship, and I seem to have gotten over the burnout that hit me at the tail end of last year. On the other hand, that first one might just be because I'm too depressed most days to care anymore, and I'm also fucking broke. Even just trying to save doesn't work because everything is so expensive, especially when you try to treat yourself.
Case in point, we got back from a weekend in Malta yesterday. It was nice and Malta is lovely (if strangely British? I know the colonial history but it's like they didn't even try to get rid of the legacy), but my GOD is it expensive. Both being there and all the travel. Makes you regret doing anything nice for yourself. It also doesn't help that I have to constantly rearrange with my teachers like a fucking knob just because they don't schedule anything until I already have plans. It's the same for this next weekend too...so now I can barely afford anniversary/valentine's gifts AND actually be able to get the train down, all because I have to fuck off back up to do one fucking hour's worth of a supervision. Kill me.
In case you can't tell from my vocabulary, I'm insanely tired. And ill. Kant isn't quite kicking my ass but I've had much more enjoyable reading experiences, so being able to learn about ancient Jericho is actually a refresher (yes I know I sound insufferable). At least folk music and Neutral Milk Hotel still exist. Those guys, the Beatles, and a resurgence of mewithoutYou is encouraging me to explore poetry again now. I might try to bat off a few attempts and try choose one to submit for the Mays, but who fucking knows. I might not honestly. Depends how I feel about deadnaming myself. I always have this site. And various thoughts regarding the entirety of everything.
Speaking of? I feel more and more of an ideosyncratic yet coherent worldview forming in my head. It's also being catalysed by the extended yet painfully immaterial outrage over all the Epstein shit. That in particular makes radical action feel so much more urgent. But also, literally just thinking for a few minutes brings me to analyse whatever situation I'm in, based broadly on Marxian and descendant modes of thinking. Just being on a shitty budget plane and I can feel the real-world consequences of the profit motive squeezing out all humanity from air travel - and more importantly, how inescapable it is within the capitalist mode of production. But that's a lament for the intellectual ramblings page. I need to actually use that one day.
Once again I bring myself back onto this journal to remind myself to keep you all (the empty ampitheatre) updated. The rest of February has been fairly quiet, just generally getting on with the shits of university study and slowly dragging my bank balance back up (not helped by impulse purchases and boozes). I feel myself starting to see the light though. I'm skipping more and more lectures but I'm also getting better and better at my essays. And I'm starting to figure out what paths exactly I need to traverse and examine along the way.
In other news, I don't think I'm submitting anything for publication this year. I just have yet to bring myself round to actually practice writing. But at least my sleep fucked itself so badly that it's getting better again? I'm eating slightly better, key word slightly, and my mind is improving, though that may be from being on the meds again. I have kind of fucked up Lent though - I basically didn't plan any sacrifices or challenges for myself, and the ones I did plan were thought through so poorly I basically immediately gave up. But, I'm happy just to draw spiritually closer.
SO ONCE AGAIN THE WORLD SPECTACULARLY BLOWS ITSELF UP!
Israel attacking Iran is, of course, nothing new, but for the USA to be directly involved in such a severe attack is terrifying, most so because my girlfriend is currently now trapped in Kuwait?? Help us??? So basically she's stuck there until the UK government figure out how to help get people out of the country. Trying not to worry about that.
The thing for me now though is that I again can't bring myself to get shit done. So that's another hurdle to get over whilst I pretend everything's fine.